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Is chivalry dead? Why or why not?
Chivalry means that a man is loyal, courteous, protective, honorable, and gentle. It is often associated with sis gender romantic courtship, which seems almost non-existent in this era. The mythical notion of this is the knight in shining armor, a warrior who powerfully wields a sword for battle, and also kneels at the feet of his beloved surrendering to Love. This archetype and the actions that come from it represent the sacred masculine within all of us. This energy is strong, protective, and present in the moment. The experience of feeling safe, protected, and respected is something that the majority of women experience as lacking in our culture and even more so worldwide. Women have taken a beating for the past 2000+ years figuratively and literally. It has been extra rough lately in the US with our current political climate, so guys PLEASE have compassion and help women see their worth! It is my belief that awakening the sacred feminine energy in ALL of us is what is required for us to heal the wounds of humanity.
Chivalry is a complex subject, but if we look at the initial stages of sis gender dating, for a man to be successful in attracting a woman of quality, she needs to feel safe with him. A woman that can accept kind gestures, with acknowledgment and appreciation, is a person who values herself. Human attraction operates like a magnet. For two magnets to be drawn together, there must be a positive and negative polarity. Typically, the male is the active/positive energy and female the negative/receptive energy. If there is no receptivity in response to a benevolent action, romantic attraction does not happen.
Many feel that chivalry is not dead, but it is on life support. So what caused this? Several recent studies and many single folks I have talked to blame technology such as the pervasiveness of online porn, the hook-up dating culture, video games, and social media acting as addictive substitutes for human contact, and stunting the development of prosocial skills. We must ask ourselves:
Is it possible that these cultural trends are creating the perfect storm for chivalry’s decline?
Do we want to continue feeding this cultural paradigm?
I posed this question on several Facebook singles groups and received over 60 responses. All of the females who responded said chivalry was dead. Many of the men said they were chivalrous and were quick to blame Feminism for the decline in chivalry. For the purpose of this blog, I will focus on the latter, with a het sis gender romanticism perspective:
In my limited survey research, I found that chivalry has morphed into generational behavior, with some modern men believing some women, more specifically “feminists,” are the ones who killed it. True “feminism” is the belief that men and women are equal, period. In my view, nothing is further from the truth, and most women see acts of chivalry, in fact, a sign of respect. Some modern women think that accepting a chivalrous gesture violates their commitment to Feminism, and therefore may respond negatively. I have heard of several instances where men have been yelled at for simply opening a door for a woman. This is sad, and I believe it is often a projection of unresolved personal and cultural issues that have nothing to do with the gentleman who opened the door. This behavior is the collective “immature” feminine acting from a wounded place, this is not feminism.
Gentlemen: Do not let fear stop you from being kind, protective, and showing regard for the feminine energy, most important your own. We know that most men are kind and loving, and these men have also suffered from our current cultural narrative. I see an emerging healthy masculine or “chivalry” as supportive men choosing to create safe and protective spaces for women to be empowered and to lead. Treating women with respect never goes out of style, and it is precisely what feminists today are fighting to secure with the ERA amendment.
Women: Accept kind gestures such as door opening, lifting heavy things, or a gentleman pulling out a chair for you with grace. Say “thank you, or no, thank you,” but please appreciate or reciprocate a kind gesture. Gratitude is how we can give back not only to him but to the greater universe. Please choose to be receptive, and compassionate, starting with yourself.
Gratitude, receptivity, and sensitivity are signs of strength and are the essence of the feminine energy within all of us. We must set intentions and take immediate action towards collaboration and empowerment so we can heal the collective soul of humanity. Dating is a mutual give-and-take experience, ideally coming from a place of graciously giving and receiving without expectation. When we have developed this energetic ability via self-love, we are on our way to healthier relationships with ourselves, our community, and the planet. With love, Staci
Falling in love with yourself this Valentine's Day
Falling in Love with yourself this Valentine’s Day
Staci Weller, Certified Professional Coach and “Wing Woman”
If Valentine’s day is about celebrating love, why not use it to celebrate our most important relationship; the one we have with ourselves? Too often this day can bring up a false need for someone else to show us our value. I suggest the possibility of using this energy to fall in love with yourself. Oscar Wilde said: “To fall in love with oneself is to begin a lifelong romance.” Following are five ways to gift yourself this Valentine’s day and beyond:
1) Indulge your inner lover: Many of us are so busy taking care of others that we forget to give ourselves gifts. Give yourself permission to indulge in something that inspires passion or excitement in your life and choose to feed your energy. Perhaps a trip to the spa, flowers, a bubble bath or a massage? Maybe it's some quiet time, or snuggling up with a good book? Give yourself something that you would like to receive from a lover, and soak up that positive energy. This supports the development of receptivity.
2) Write yourself a Love letter: Have you ever written yourself a love letter? We often have the feeling of falling in love with another, not realizing that this love exists inside us. Self Love is an act of kindness, compassion, and radical acceptance for number one. It is important to take the time to commit to, acknowledge, and honor ourselves. We all have some form of negative self-talk going on. Write down all of the things that you love about yourself in the form of a love note using romantic language, and be receptive enough to take it in. The love we cultivate for ourselves is what we bring to all our relationships. Your essence is pure love. Own the love that you are.
3) Choose self-observation and radical acceptance and let go of negative self-talk, even if it is just for the day. Often we are harder on ourselves than anyone else in our lives, and perfection is a myth. Choose to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break, if you catch yourself focusing on your perceived shortcomings, stop and flip the switch immediately towards something positive or choose to take a few deep loving breaths. Accepting your perceived imperfections is a gift that leads to your true, authentic, powerful and beautiful self.
4) Give and receive more love: Even if you do not have a romantic partner this is a great time to love the key people in your life. Send Galentines to your pals, flowers to a family member, or offer to babysit for friends going out for the evening. Feel the gratitude and show all the loving people in your life what they mean to you. Choose to normalize platonic touch and connection with your friends. Normalize hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling, saying I love you, and always supporting your friends. Love is an action.
5) Commit to yourself consistently: Commit to a daily consistent self-love habit that moves you closer to your most important Self-Love goal. Perhaps it is meditation, keeping a journal or reflecting on what you are most grateful for? Consistency and developing positive habits help us to transform negative thoughts, worry or anxiety into more love, compassion, and energy.
Falling in love with yourself is an Infinite fall. Happy Valentine’s Day! #single #singleparent #singlemom #divorce #divorcecoach
The year 2020 begins the golden age of self-partnership
There are now more singles in the US than married people, it is now quite literally the golden age of self-partnership. Stars like Emma Watson, Selena Gomez, and Jennifer Anniston have proclaimed themselves to be "happily single". Singles have more options and status now than at any other time in history. It is easier to meet people than ever before, and singles (if they choose to partner) don't want to settle, they wish to meet their Soulmate. So, while you are on the road to finding your Soulmate, why not develop a 20/20 vision for your life and romantic partnership? Then be your own Soulmate!
Culturally we are often conditioned to buy into a romantic illusion: the assumption that it is our partner's job to provide us with the happiness that we have not yet achieved within ourselves. This is the standard "outside-in" orientation that, sadly, many of our relationships are based on. I am challenging you in this new year of 2020 to take on the "inside-out" approach, which requires courage, introspection, and intention.
Who are you? What do you want? What are you grateful for?
These are the questions I ask as a relationship coach for singles. The answer to all of these questions is the same for most of my clients: Real Love. It is my belief that we are all already are pure love, sadly many of us have forgotten. So how do we remember and cultivate real love? My suggestion is radical self-partnership or extreme self-love. This is about not waiting around for someone to love but to love, appreciate, nurture, commit, and show up for yourself NOW.
So, what is your clear, passionate, 20/20 vision for your life in the new year?
I challenge you to write or visualize your own unique award-winning love story in first person present tense as if it is all happening in the present moment. Feel the excitement, passion, and emotions associated with this story- then live it! Go on dates with yourself and participate in activities that you love: volunteer, take a class, get a massage, anything that you would like to do with a potential partner. Pay attention to how you feel, because your positive emotions are the rocket fuel for your vision. The key here is that you are giving love to yourself and others. This creates the same feelings as being in love with another because you are falling in love with yourself. When you are happy and fulfilled living as a happily self-partnered single, you are dangerously attractive to others. Don't do this alone, expand on, or build a positive community that supports you. Give and receive support from your single friends or hire a coach that will hold you accountable and be your success partner. You have the power to live a life that you love while attracting a romantic partner. The love that you seek is inside of you. Once you live from this place, love will chase you and open doorways to worlds you never imagined.
Happy New Year!
Tantra for Singles (yoga for your love life)
Check out my four-part series on manifesting your ideal match with the Law of Attraction!
" Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." Carl Jung
Law of Attraction: What is it?
March 8, 2019
Imagine your life and romantic relationship the best possible, then watch your dreams manifest. Einstein said: "Imagination is everything, it is a preview of your life's coming attractions."
To prepare singles for healthy lasting relationships I support them in using the "Law of Attraction" many of us are familiar with this concept but do not fully utilize this powerful, universal energetic tool. The Law of Attraction is simply
like attracts like
our thoughts become our reality
whatever we focus on becomes bigger
everything in the physical world was once just a thought
To manifest our dreams, and properly use the Law of Attraction we must focus on what we do want, not what we do not want. We all know on an intellectual level: “You must be who you want to attract.” Sadly, for many of us the perceptual reality is to focus on what we do not want, this construct tends to permeate the existing culture. Since we live in a "return to sender" universe, whatever we focus on becomes Bigger. If we continue to feed negative thoughts the universe brings us more experiences to reinforce them, and this becomes our Life. I suggest that these limited beliefs are false and that many are caught in a web of perpetual Illusion. The reality is that we are all superhero alchemists who have the potential to emanate pure love-which indeed is your true nature!
How does the Law of Attraction support us?
1) Your Ideal Life and Love Story: What does this look, and feel like to you? Imagine your own 5-star epic, Academy Award-winning Life with every aspect the best it can possibly be with no limits! Visualize this in first person, present tense as if it is happening now. Clear your channel, journal about your empowering vision, then identify your core desired feelings and values. Engage this vision (a reflection of you) with your heart, give it to the universe and be open to receiving.
2) Your vibe: The reason we want anything in life is based on our perception of how it will make us feel. What are your core desired feelings? What is the energy or “vibe” you would like to emanate out into the world? Do more of what creates these Feelings, they are the jet fuel for your vision. Feel these feelings by continuing your inspired creative visualizations, living your true purpose, doing what you love, and engaging your heart. Participate in mindful activities, excavate and reflect on your Authentic Self. Become an expert at FEELING your feelings and operating from your heart. Approach your life with feelings of gratitude, receptivity, and appreciation. Your vision and the feelings associated with it are a reflection of who you really are: Pure Love!
3) Strategy: What is your plan? Develop an customize your own dating and relationship plan, then take inspired and positive actions.
The Law of Attraction requires intention, attention, and inspired action. We must believe to receive, and consistently choose the thoughts we wish to feed. It is a process of Evolution not a destination and is really about developing Consciousness. The only “vibe” that attracts love to us, is the level of love we cultivate in our own heart. Conscious is the new sexy.
Dedicated to your success,
Would you like to experience more? Sign up for your complimentary 45- minute coaching session
A Relationship Coach’s honest reflections from the Great Love Debate in Seattle
April 19, 2019
Last November, my friends at the Great Love Debate rated Seattle as the worst city for straight Singles to find love for 2018. This dismal title was earned by receiving low marks in the areas of communication, confidence and overall optimism. To reach this conclusion Great Love Debate staffers used the opinions of 92,000ish singles across the country, singles that they communicate with on their podcast, as well as demographic data gathered over the past five years. We all know that “Seattle people” are known for not connecting well with others, and we have created our own long-standing syndrome: the “Seattle Freeze”. Our challenge in a nutshell, according to the host of the Great Love Debate, Brian Howie is: “Aggravated women and Socially awkward men.”
Well, they came back to do another show on 4/17 and I loved the opportunity to be part of the “expert” panel. This event was educational, entertaining, and interactive for all. Men and women were talking about their dating experiences, and connections were made. However, on my way home I found myself wondering: Have things changed?
Sorry darlings, I don’t think so, and it is most likely they have worsened…. According to Howie: Most shows have about 200 audience members, and in other cities, about 150 stay for the after party. At the Seattle show, only about 50ish people stayed to mingle. Seriously lame….but this is Seattle! When I met my husband in Seattle, (back in the day) singles did a lot of “bar trolling”, so we met real singles in person, and got to know each other organically. Fast forward to 2019, many of the GLD audience members shared that with the advent of technology, singles have lost their “connection” edge. We no longer need each other for directions, sexual or intellectual stimulation, and sadly no longer need to leave our home to get our “needs” met. So if you are not Satisfied with a virtual lover, and are ready to melt our own personal Seattle Freeze, what do we do about it?
My opinion: Singles must consciously choose, and take inspired actions to build the skills needed to interact with other people in the present moment for the purpose of fun and real connection. It is like building muscle, we must train to cultivate these skills. Once this is done consistently, they will be surprised at the positive results! Following are my reflections and 4 tips for singles, inspired by the Great Love Debate:
1) Commit to knowing and loving yourself first. The relationship we have with our self is the common denominator in all of our relationships and dictates the quality of the relationship we are available for. We must be the one we want to date and raise our vibe to attract at a higher level. We fall in love with the person who helps us love the person we are when we are with them.
Learn to identify, balance and feel your feelings while communicating with kindness. Become a student of relationships: read books, take classes, and invest in personal growth. I find that many relationships fail because the couple did not develop the skills to communicate with kindness, this is especially important when there is a conflict to address. Your feelings are everything, and help you identify your true north.
2) Be open, available and proactive: Talk to strangers and be open! Unhook yourself from false perceptions, electronic devices, and the past while checking in to the present moment. Identify your limiting beliefs, reframe them and take inspired action. Challenge yourself to practice being in the present moment, and talk to at least one stranger a day anywhere! Women: Be the chooser and approach men! Lose the “resting bitch face”, the word “creepy”, and practice “open” body language. Welcome the opportunity to connect with kind men. Graciously accept him opening a door, or lifting something heavy for you! Yes, you can still be an “independent feminist” and allow men to do stuff for you. They love to help you, it is their way of showing respect, and interest in you. Your receiving, and acknowledgment of their efforts makes them feel successful. Cultivate emotional balance, so you can identify and communicate your needs with love. Men will respond positively. Men: Women who are open and aware will respond positively to your sincere communication and actions. Expand your receptive side, and so you can learn to attune to hers. Know that it important for her to feel safe, starting with you. Call female humans over 18 "women" not "girls". Do what it takes to earn her trust. Everyone: Always be kind, without attachment to any outcome. Ask yourself: What do I offer in a relationship? How do I develop more receptivity?
4) Have a clear vision and intention: What is your relationship goal? What is your authentic life vision? Be honest with yourself and develop a dynamic inspired vision for your life and desired partnership. Live your life’s vision as a reflection of your deepest values. Do you, be a happy single, then be open to who and what shows up. Our beloved rarely comes in the physical, or superficial package that we envision. Don’t pretend to be someone you are not, or be interested in someone that you are not.
5) Develop a conscious dating plan, and take inspired actions: Be available for fun and identify the best places for you to meet people in person, as well as up leveling your online profile. (If you are feeling deep anxiety, resistance, or have a negative vibe revisit the 4 steps above) Develop strategies to scout, sort, screen and test your dates and allow relationships time to grow. Set boundaries: say no to what you don’t want (with an effective exit strategy) so you can say yes to what you do want! Be the chooser, know the stages and timing of romantic relationships. Identify what level of commitment, and physical intimacy feels appropriate for you in each stage.
You may be thinking, these ideas sound good but how do I begin? Find more ways to give: volunteer, or choose to help a friend or family member. Find your own way of giving and receiving more love, this increases your awareness of the love that you already are. Bottom line: make a commitment to yourself, be positive, get support, connect with a “good vibe” community and you will attract your sweetheart with more ease. The love that you cultivate in your own heart, is the only “vibe” that attracts love to attract back to you. Be present, and take positive action towards all of the amazing possibilities that show up in your life, they are indeed everywhere! When we really begin to see, we see with our hearts.
Contact me for a complimentary coaching session, and we can see if it feels like a good fit. If so, we can work together to create your custom, authentic and inspired “Conscious Dating and Relationship plan.”
Would you like to experience more? Come to my "Law of Attraction for Singles" Relationship plan event @ East West Bookshop in Seattle on Sunday, May 5th from 3:00-5:00pm
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why they call it the present.”
A dating plan for a single person is like a business plan for an Entrepreneur: invaluable!
May 20, 2019
Following is a brief outline of The Dating and Attraction plan I support my clients in creating:
What is your vision for your most amazing life?
What is your true purpose? (this is likely not your career)
What are your 3-5 non-negotiables in a romantic relationship?
(these are characteristics of a relationship-not a person and they are based on your core values)
The greater the level of self-awareness we bring to a relationship, the more effectively we will be at attracting a compatible partner. So....I invite you to develop your Authentic dating and attraction plan. You will develop a personal vision and set goals to get there while maintaining extreme self-care in the process. You will practice self-care/love, create a strong positive community and identify the best ways for you to meet potential partners. If you work with me we will identify the best attraction venues for you, your dates, create your "exit" strategy, and review the stages of dating. It is ALL about how you FEEL, when you are dating. Your clarity and awareness will support you in knowing whether a relationship is right for you, staying true to want and developing strategies. For what?:
Scouting: finding the best places for you to meet positive and available singles (this includes enhancing your online profile)
Screening: asking questions to see if you would like to move forward in a relationship based on what they say.
Testing: See if words meet actions, based on many experiences in different situations with your partner. How do you as a couple of handle: decision-making, resolving conflict, and addressing emotional compatibility issues? The focus is on you being in the present moment, to gain a greater awareness of the gift of your life. If you find you are not being present, gently bring yourself back.
You are love!
What is Tantra, and how can it support me?
July 17, 2019
What is Tantra?
Traditional Tantra is an ancient spiritual practice which originated in India several thousands of years ago. Tantra is yoga for your love life, it is choosing to grow in Love and Awareness which permeates all aspects of life. It is not about control, but letting go of control. Seeing the world through fresh eyes, opening the mind and the heart. It is cultivating conscious touch and REALLY seeing people and the world around us. (a level of awareness that is often missing in today’s world) It is a practice that raises our vibe, and unites the masculine and the feminine energy within our being. In our culture, we may call it “mindfulness” or being present. It is being in the here and now, not the past or the future.
And who doesn’t want to be present right?
In Sanskrit, it means "weaving," which means bringing oneness to yourself and consciousness to what you do. Tantra exercises are designed to bring you into a state of being more present to yourself, your life and your dates. It brings insight, compassion, loving kindness, and power: these characteristics combined define a more conscious human being.
Is It just about sex?
Typically, in the west this is the perception, however sexuality is only small portion of Tantric teachings. Tantra is best understood as a form of yogic practice, which includes sexual and non-sexual teachings designed to transform human consciousness, and ultimately remove the veils of ignorance, and realize ‘enlightenment’. It is often called “yoga for your love life”. Tantra is a path to Love, and is quite literally “making love” to Everything, with no expectations. When we explore this within ourselves, we must ask ourselves:
How do I give without expectation?
When we give from this place (our heart), we receive much more in return. If we wish to attract more love, we must give more starting with love and compassion towards ourselves. Tantra is developing Everything that comes from the heart. These ‘weaving’ practices are done at first non-sexually in order to build an understanding and relationship to the practice. Then they can then be applied to sexual experiences in order to consciously utilize the powerful energies generated during sexual pleasure. These energies are then directed to healing and enriching body, mind, and spirit. Tantra is not a religion; it is a holistic lifestyle practice for integrating body, mind, spirit, and sex so that you can experience more happiness, more peace, more joy, more connection, and more love in every area of your life.
So, you may ask: How can Tantra support me?
1) Tantra practice offers techniques for us to become more loving, less judgmental, to live a longer life, and a means to more deeply connect with ourselves and others by freeing us from limiting patterns. It is the cultivation of a freer, more balanced, more realized state of consciousness.
2) Shifting your mindset towards Self-Love. The practices shows us the importance of being our authentic self, and loving who we are right now. It is a shift in the mind, letting go of fear and judgement towards oneself and others. We must cultivate self-love before we can really connect with another person deeply.
3) Yes, Better sex! Tantra shows us how to practice devotion towards our lover, become more orgasmic, and to be a more attentive partner. Every orgasm is a glimpse of enlightenment. This is intimacy that is not about quick release, but a slow and more fulfilling connection on a deeper level.
The only energy that attracts love to us is the love we cultivate in our own heart. There is no limit to love!
Would you like to use tantric teachings to support you in attracting true love? If so, reach out to me about coaching. I have studied Dzogchen tantra for over 19 years, and utilize these teachings as an integral part of my coaching.